I don't really have words to speak of what it feels like.
Life stopping but not. In fact that is entirely the problem: it doesn't stop, instead it changes never to be the same again leaving fear, pain, hurt, exhaustion and a desire to give up in its wake.
I just go around and around and around - circling the problem. Pulling it this way, tugging it that way trying to figure out how to get to the other side, ripping it to shreds desperately pleading for there to be another side.
It would almost be easier if all my faith had deserted me, at least then this wouldn't be on God's head. Instead I know His hand is in this and yet there is not an overnight resolution: I really, really struggle confined in darkness.
What do I do when the answers escape me? Escape my understanding of God? I turn to those with more or, at least, different answers. And they sit there blankly. There is no explanation for this one. Life goes on and all they can do is try to walk it with me.
Emotions implode on themselves. Anger turning to frustration and despair. Worry turning to breathless, life halting fear. Even the laughter that used to frequent itself comes as a surprise, and not always a good one.
I disrepute this "crisis mode". Oh no it is not something that comes painfully yet fleetingly! It brings the pain and it keeps showing up again, and again, and again.
And then life keeps revolving. And how do I reconcile the two. Because I know that marching forward won't make it all go away and yet it marches on anyway.
Oh God. I believe in Your Light. I really do believe in Your plans. I absolutely do believe that You will get all the glory.
But I wish you'd hurry ** up.
And that is the ugliness of it.
Bare-faced and raw.
I know that His Kingdom comes. I know that He reigns. I know that He is I AM.
And yet the tough *rubbish* still remains.
I knew that already. I'd seen that already. I'd lived that already.
But I've never had it as bad as this.
The tears don't really stop flowing. They leave for a while only to make their unannounced return a couple of days, a week, or two later. They brim beneath the surface ready to take every ounce of your SELF and splurge it across your pillow with no ounce of grace and little utterance of relief.
The dark tunnel stretches out in great length ahead. How do you even imagine there to be the light there is at the end?
And so I sit in the darkness. Oh both metaphorically and not. And I know God is here too. There's no smiley, clappy, one-line answer. There's a long, drawn-out, bramble-filled path ahead. We head for God's beautiful, somewhere.
*previously contained less PC words*