It all feels so normal, you know, I feel like despite my desperate want to not conform, here I am doing exactly that.
In fact - it's not even normal! I don't have a regular job. And I sure as anything don't have a "normal" boss. I say I have deadlines so, as long as I meet them, it's okay - but half of them I set for myself.
I think by now I was expecting to have conquered the world - well that, or saved it. I had some BIG, kick ass, dreams and now it seems I've forgotten how to dream like that.
Maybe I was just all mouth and no follow through. And that wrecks me.
I have glimpsed at the potentiality of what God can do within me and I long for it. And yet I feel a million miles from it.
I have all this self-inflicted pressure on my head to get somewhere, to do something meaningful: right Now.
I've heard that this isn't an unusual thing but that doesn't help! I don't want to be within the boundaries of the "usual".
And so somehow I have to remain centred on Jesus. I have to remain at peace that this moment: right here - is the one God has brought me to. And hey, it might look totally different to what I was expecting - it might even feel lazy- but, somehow, He is moving mountains right now, right here. And as I tread into a path untrodden I sense His Holy Mystery.
I learn to live within a bigger, longer picture - FOR eternity: I serve His kingdom. It never was in the plan for it to be all about me and His kingdom does not wholly come overnight.
God has this bigger picture, this wider plan - one that doesn't just save me and my best friend, but all of humanity. And not just this population but all of history past and to come.
Yet I get this niggling feeling that I've failed. It builds, and it builds, and it builds. Until I want to collapse and give up: because this is all wrong. I'm not supposed to be doing life like this.
But here's the thing with stepping into No Plan: I had a plan. In my head I had an idea, a picture, of what I wanted my life to look like - 6 months, a year, three years away. I unconsciously created a list of where I wanted to be headed and it had some seriously major deadlines on it.
I missed them.
And so I worship the god I created in myself as I crumple under the pressure of what I had wanted to accomplish and failed.
Perhaps it is easier to create our own gods when we have glimpsed God. Maybe that's where the Israelites went wrong. SO. Many. Times.
What makes me get up again? The truth.
In hindsight God can be so utterly clear. I look at the facts of what has past - I compare where I'd wanted to be to where I am and I know that this place is the right one. It might not be better. It might not be record breaking. But it is wonderfully, and beautifully, and maybe humbly, where God has brought me to.
I release my clenched fists.
And, as Bob Goff insists upon, I hold my palms face up. The conflict drains away and the rumblings from deep within well up with peace.
We live in His upside down Kingdom where our perceived failures bring us further away from our own imaginings of kingdom-building and deeper into His designs.
May I keep my hands open.