Thursday, 19 March 2015

drowning

My faith is not something that I can simply stop and start, because He remains.

You see maybe in my head I waver.

The biggest tidal wave I have ever known hits me. Smack off my feet. And it is overwhelming as I start to drown. 

Unexpected, unimaginable. 

I'm flat out done with all of this. 

God this is not a battle I can fight. Not this time. Not this day.

You're just going to have to find some person else. 

That's what all of my insides cried. 

Suddenly you feel like you're being stretchered off of the scene. Friends feed you. They hold you up. They let you cry. 

But in all this rushing around. In all this relief effort I begin to wonder what on earth God thinks He is doing. 

Right at the bottom of who I am I know He has a bigger plan. But I'm telling you now God this is not what it was supposed to look like, and I think you messed up somewhere because it is entirely impossible for me to see where this is going.  

To catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. 


and my heart breaks. 

This time, it's real and it's proper and there's nothing I can do to stop it. 

I know my mood by whether I can feel my eyes glinting. They always give me away. The deepest parts of how I am feeling reveal themselves on the surface. And sometimes it's the only way I myself can tell. 

And now I just feel all the light go. This lack of energy cannot be overcome by sleeping earlier and longer. This time it's my very being: my very life blood. 

Say hello. This is me. At the end of myself. 

Howdy. 

But all my heart tells me of is threads of memories about Ann Voskamp's ladders: the ones where in an upside down Kingdom the only way up is down. 

And I cannot for the life of me remember the whys and the whats, the ins and the outs of all Ann says. But I remember enough. 

I remember that it's at the bottom of myself that He can best reveal Himself.

And so, somehow, I cling on. 

And it's in this place of desperation. Of clinging on. That mustard seed of faith reveals itself and I begin to see the mountains move. 

God is good. 

Painfully, purely, redemptively. He is good. 

And He reigns. 

Truth shall prevail.