Thursday, 3 April 2014

There is something about this darkness

I know I've been thrashing. It was an underlying thought, but now it rumbles and it tumbles and it shakes me to the core. Because when darkness overtakes that's where you land. 

When you understand the darkness that keeps depths of your soul in the shadows, you can begin to shine a light right there. Sometimes it feels like you've fallen off the edge. 

And it hurts. 

I was comfortable. 

Now I feel broken and bruised and wonder who on earth it is I look at in the mirror. 

Much of what I thought I knew of myself began to disperse. And now this is a thrashing of increasing understanding. 

But always - ALWAYS - with God. 

Maybe I am nuts. I whisper it aloud in the darkness of the night. 

Maybe I am nuts. 

When your comfortable bubble of all you ever knew is burst and popped and torn apart - that's a horrible thought. It's a scary thought. It's a fear-grippingly, terrifying, strangling thought. 

And the nuts part of me craves yellow nail varnish. 

It is a crazy roller coaster trying to understand all the monsters in my head. All the discrepancies, all those beautiful, lovely, NICE things they taught me. Oh Jesus loves me this I know. 

Who's the king of the jungle?

Oo oo. 

And I'm just left on the side looking in wondering who I am looking at anymore. Because as much as I cling to it that innocence has gone. And now the brokenness falls into my lap. And I wonder who this God is. 

All we are left with is a search, a longing, ultimately a pilgrimage. Where is this soul headed? Oh God come closer. Draw nearer. Open my eyes. 

Open the eyes of my heart Lord. Open the eyes of my heart. 

Because I want to see you. 

The foundations quiver because no amount of learning can prepare me for this shaking earthquake of the soul - only God can. And so the winds rage. The storm goes on. The rain falls. 

And I dance. 

I dance badly. With little grace and no elegance. And I fall, I stumble. 

And she watches and wonders and tries to pull me up off the ground. And I think he only glimpses. And most won't notice. Because I hide behind the smile, the bounce, the flick of the curl: the knowledge. 

The map is blurred by the tears that spill, all is distorted and I stand lost but amazed. 

I stand amazed. 

And there is no shame in that. He is amazing. He is Mighty. He is God. 


He holds me here tight. And I thrash. And I spin. And I wriggle. And I thirst. 

He remains. He is love. And there is Beauty.  

I stand amazed. 

Forged in the fire of darkness. 

What can need such preparation?

Let it remain that there is always hope. At the end there is always hope. Let it be said. Let it be heard. Let it be blasted from the rooftops. 

There is always hope. And so I can dream. And I can fall apart. 

I can live a continual mess and still hold on. 

I'm holding onto the achingly holy as we head for God's beautiful somewhere. Because that is where the yellow nail varnish heads. 

Mandy Steward's Thrashing about with God - Mandy's beautiful opening of her heart and soul about the path she still travels, opened a door I hadn't realised was there. I am okay. I am learning. I am becoming. And this is part of that. Sometimes it's scary, but leaning into God's heart - into His beautiful.