Since choosing the word fearless I have felt anything but.
A year ago my life wasn't sitting still - every week I'd be doing something new, facing another big challenge, leaping through doors that I could never imagined would open for me - but now, now it's a round circle. With a very confining edge.
I end up back at Church. Trying to breathe out the worship, but generally just end up gasping for air. I know this isn't healthy, I know there is more to be found in all of this.
There are chases for the moon amidst it all... After all that is where they start. This is where they are drawn from - the never ending cycle of the daily grind.
The frustration of not knowing, not understanding, yearning for something crazy, but thirsting to trust God.
I read something Matt Redman said - worship isn't just about breathing out, firstly and foremost it's about breathing in. And maybe this is where I need to come to.
I've been aiming to become. I've been striving to drive into the ground all these ideas of only age being able to do that for you. But I think I'm glimpsing at something....
...no one can become.
Because we've got our whole life for Jesus to build that within us. We cannot do this overnight.
So once more I collapse to my knees from the self-imposed pressure.
And I pray for release. I seek comfort in the arms of my Father who longs to embrace me.
It's not about what I do. Oh yes my actions matter, oh yes they are to flow from Him - but that's just it. I can't force them, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. Not on my own, not with help, not even with the greatest friends. Only with God - THE greatest friend.
And even as I find the hope in it all right here, right now - I fall back into that trap.
I kid myself:
You have it sorted.
And once more I come crashing to the floor, and all that is left is an enveloping of His love.
I just don't see how I can live like this. How is this me being placed by God? How did such a blessing turn into such a breath-draining trap?
I don't even know what to do anymore.
So please just hold me.