Tuesday, 4 February 2014

In which I just write {from the month past}

As much as there has been silence my heart has been crying out words and here I let you see them. They are clumsy, and faulty and they don't all fit together. But they're my messy heart as I try to make sense of all these horrible thoughts and feelings {and the nice ones too}. 

Friendship comes in all shapes and sizes. I've learnt that much. 

The years have passed. The bones have grown. But I still remember. 

I remember a girl that loved me and loved me and loved me. 

I remember the loyalty. 

Today is a day where I need to have a dance around the curls. 

Life has an extraordinarily ability to crush us. 

"It's one of those valley days where my insides hurt and I'm feeling crushed." That's a text I sent earlier in the week. 

And to be honest it turned into being one of those weeks. 

It has been a while since I did the whole car crash thing so I guess it has to be expected. 

People will tell you that your God is shit. 

People will tell you that your God is bullshit. 

But there's something else about these people - they will tell you you're worth shit. 

Life is crazy and it's nuts and I don't know what will you hit you, but something will. 

Everyone has a story, and no matter how they might come across - every single one of those stories have super shitty parts in them. 

Me? I was falsely accused in a way that turned my life upside down for months, years, that made me lose sight of who I am, and nearly 5 years later the scar has perhaps finally began to heal. 

Maybe it will be an eating disorder, depression, parents, death, illness. I have no idea what it will be, what it is, or what it was. But it will come. 

And it will be one major storm. And you will curl in a ball and cry your eyes out, once, twice, three times. Even if you don't - you will have crazy emotions. 

You're going to be hurt. And beaten up. And feel so lonely that you will forget that you are worthy of love. 

Life is shit. 

You can watch as many films, read as many books, do whatever you like to escape, but life is shit. 

They'll tell you to put on a brave face. Get over yourself. Grow up. 

Oh I know - if my papa sees that he will probably go berserk. His darling girl swearing. But that's the truth. That's what the world says, and man it is HARD to get out there and face it. Every. Single. Day. 

If fearless is about the wild, life-altering decisions then it is also about the getting out if bed every day. The breathing in and out. The breaking of bread. 

This is a journey that is scary. A daily journey that takes a God-placed fearlessness to keep you treading forward. 

And my heart longs to return to that holy place. Amongst the trees, where the light dances and I chase for the moon. 

But this hard place that I have come to. This is the present reality of the Now, how can I be Fearless here?

Join me on my knees before the King of Kings. Because there is no other place that you can sit and swear your head off blind and still have truly, wholly, complete loving arms of grace embrace you. 

And it's here where I sit and I cry and I cry and I cry. Because I am a very little girl. Very. Little. 

Who is scared out of her brain. 

But there is one place that the sickness and the dread and the utter fear is placed in the light and diminishes into nothing, and that is here in His arms. 

God says I am worthy.