Like really, really angry at the world.
I see and have seen hundreds of posts on Facebook, loads of people have talked to me about it. For a while it was everywhere I went "oh it's so amazing".
"I really loved it."
"Finnick is such an amazing actor."
All this fangirl talk and I'm over here exploding. Really, properly full-of-anger exploding.
Don't you see? Don't you see yourself in the Capitol? Don't you see that in the very way you watch the film and then celebrate it brings up a whole lot of images of the Capitol in you?
Oh but we are not as bad as that. It's not like that. But it IS.
There are people crying out, and no it's not even hidden, but to me, that only makes it worse.
We are consumeristic: eating, drinking, buying more than we could ever need let alone want.
We pay our £10 to go see a movie. And still we are oblivious to the way we are living.
This world is a complete mess, and it's only going to get worse if we continue living so very blind to it all.
You should see how much stuff I have. I'm sitting here typing on an iPad for goodness sake. An iPad that was most likely made, atleast in part, by child slaves. An iPad that is contributing to the destruction of mankind as well as the environment.
Who do we think we are?
My frustration is this. I realise that I have an amazing opportunity - to be born within the Capitol, and have the chance to try and change it from the inside. I could. But my heart is pulling me out wards. Outwards towards the margins. Towards the district 12s.
This is no joke. This is a reality we are living in. And all I know is that all I can do is fall to my knees at the foot of the cross and look up to the God who is love. This is where mercy and grace and, ultimately, hope can be found.
....these are the ugly-angry-ramblings of a girl who longs for more.
I read back over this and I see the anger gnashing away. I see the spitting of pain and hurt and frustration. This is nasty stuff. Oh how I can dream. But it's all so blind and meaningless when it falls back to being about me. I dont have a clue. I really, really don't. So I return to a God. Because He is all.