Saturday, 21 December 2013

God, I don't understand. 

This felt like the best Christmas present ever, but now I'm not so sure. It feels like everything that could go wrong, has done. And I feel utterly helpless. 

I worry and I worry and I worry. Despite your command not to. 

I just can't work this one out. I don't understand how what felt like a gift all wrapped up with a bow on top has left me feeling so nervous, and frightened, and confused. 

So I'm laying it out there. I'm saying this is for you. I'm saying that no matter how much I want this, if I have to turn and walk the other way then I will. I said it from the beginning and I continue to say it now. 

You lay the stones before me, and I long to tread them one by one. I trust that if I lose my footing you are already there. So wherever this is taking me, whatever I am to learn - I am believing it is of you. 

As much as I love it - this is not my heart. This is a means to an end, and that's all I shall ever let it become. 

There are so many fears, so many unknowns, so much that confuses me. And as my stomach has tossed and turned all day I now lay this before you. I let you take this burden and ask that you give me life, that you bless me in my steps as I move forward. That I have the confidence to speak up when I need to, and the grace to step back too. That as I open my mouth and move my feet the words that fall are of you. 

I am yours. 

For you are good, you are above all things and your love endures forever. 

You are above all things. 

And so I let go and ask for the fear to be replaced with peace. That a calm would overflow from within me. 

I thank you for all you have done, all you are doing and all that you will do in my life. I praise you for it. 

Solo a Dios sea la Gloria.