Monday, 4 November 2013

I'm not bulletproof. I stand on truth.

I'm not bulletproof.

It hurts when you open your mouth and slander falls out. 

It cuts me deep. 

There are places that are tender and sore and oh so vulnerable. 

It hurts and I cry and I fall down. 

Because your words have power in them. 

And I am no tower of strength {only He is that}. 

"I am am a sensitive soul." - The Lion King. 

Oh but how I am. People don't always believe me. But I am. I am hurt easily. It doesn't take much to bring me to my knees. 

I am not even close to bulletproof. 

But who I am becoming is someone who has a love for herself. 

And {I pray} not in a big-myself-up, arrogant sort of way. 

I have heard it said that "love your neighbour as yourself" does not mean you have to love yourself. But do you know I come back to the misinterpretation of the word love. We are not to love ourselves in an idolising, putting-on-a-pedestal kind of way but in a way that flows out of respect and self-value. 

It was not so long ago that I wrote a love letter to myself. 

And now I stand before you. Just as who I am. 

Yes with goofy glasses. And a random dress sense. And without make up. 

I stand before you just as I choose to be. 

I don't always get it right. I find the line hard to draw - how short do you wear a skirt?

But it makes my face light up and the giggles fall out in hope as I flick the curls out of the way and stand in my scruffed out shoes. 

We have a lot thrown at us, particularly, as girls - as women, - in the way of our image. It takes us being secure in who we are. It takes us looking at our insides and letting God shape them into who we want to be. 

If we are to be women who love. 

We must first love God, and out of that love, we must love ourselves - from there we can love others. 

Let it be known that you are a beautiful woman. You don't have to not wear that - and you don't have to say that - you don't have to do anything. No matter what: you are Beauty-full. 

Yes I looked in the mirror and wondered at the increasing fat around my face {oh don't be all pleasantry and polite and deny it because that really PISSes me off!! Yes I'm sorry to say that, I am, but you shall have to understand. Because that is what it does.} and yes I got mad at all these spots that sought to plague me - and yes I lost sight of this love. 

But when it comes to it. I love being me. I love my own love for life. I am excited for my own enthusiasm. And I am driven by my own want. I love to be me - because this is who I was made to be. 

As I seek to discover who I am - it follows that I am also seeking to discover more of who God is. He made me in His image - and as I find my quirks, my talents, my hopes: my gifts - I find what it is that God places with deliberacy.  

Oh it's so beautiful. And I am not bulletproof. What you say gets to my insides - but when I come back to the mirror I pull myself up off the floor, look deep into my blue eyes and find hope once again in the assurance that God is dwelling here. And there's an adventure to be had. As me. Just me. Oh so beautiful me. Will beautiful you join me for the ride?