Saturday, 19 October 2013

Truth to sit on.

I can physically feel the relaxing of my body - in the place of tension and fear and panic is a whole lot of breathing and peace and calm. 

To actually step outside of myself and look at where I got to is rather scary - I know that I'm a hold-it-together & be-strong kind of person. I'd rather be the rock that everyone else sits on - or the one you can rely upon to not fall apart. Or at least that's what I thought I knew. 

I never saw myself like that - but then comments started to slip in and I began to see that I have a strength I don't understand {yeah - that's God}. 

I don't think I'm explaining this quite right - I guess I forgot to let God be the rock {IN me}. 

And I am not pretending right now – it's not all sorted. I have some serious discipline to be learning. 

I need to learn to be the creative person I am - I need to let the artist, that I contain to one area of my life, out. I need to learn to let it all weave together into one Holy; beautiful but utterly messy blanket. 

I need to let 'I don't know' be words that let me breathe; that release the tension - rather than words that instill panic; terror; and complete fear. 

On the wall by my bed I stuck a huge piece of paper and over time I scrawled across it every prayer 'request' - every late night, urgent text message; every whispered murmur of a heart desperate; every life who's path I crossed that touched me - over time I filled it with cryings out. 

Before I slept each night I would pick a name and pray - but, you know, it began to fill up real fast and in the end I wouldn't even manage to pick a name - I'd look at this little corner of the earth filled with people I absolutely adored; respected; loved - and all I felt was dread and doubt and upset and hurt and confusion. Because there are all these {BIG, crazy} things I am trying to pray for - not even coming to what my heart is screeching out- and I couldn't see how God could catch them all and make them Beautiful. 

Feeling defeated, deflated and broken I didn't take the paper down. 

It remained there and I would not look at it. Right by my bed and I would manage to not read it - to forget about it. 

Then one day I found a truth. 

God is ALWAYS faithful. 

And these are the words I scrawled right across it all. 

This is the final say. 

This is "It is finished."

God is ALWAYS faithful. 

And as I look up there now and I look beneath those giant scrawled words I see miracles - I see ebenezer stones. 

Because that man and woman's jobs have not been sorted out but have been flipped upside down, emptied out and in the space God has poured his glory in abundance. 

And that beautiful charity are opening up their second home in not too long. 

And that incredible woman of God stands strong as she holds up women who have been pushed lower and lower - she stands and holds their arms up - not just until sunset but after: right into the night. 

And that Spirit-filled woman has gone back to school. 

And that boy{-turning-man} stood in abandoned worship to a God who revealed a glimpse of hpHis unending love for him, to him. {and boy did I cry}. 

Yes there's still one and a million more up there - there is still many that haven't found hope - there's still many names, situations, organisations{, all sorts} up on my wall that seem just as in need of God to reveal His presence {perhaps more so} than when I scrawled them up there. 

But these ebenezer stones; these seeds of hope let us remain in the truth that God is ALWAYS faithful. 

And as I see this truth be evidenced in the people around me's lives - I begin to trust it for my own.