Wednesday, 16 October 2013

I am no super human...breathe out.

It is established: I am no super human. 

I thought this trap was something I'd stepped well over - I guess I must have stepped backwards and fallen in. 

"I am helpless and I'm hurting" {Prisoner, by NEEDTOBREATHE} and it is blooming rubbish. 

When bed feels like the only realm of safety - when people say loud and clear "blimey, that's not good" - when you finally find the end of the rope and you wish you'd never got there. 

And here I am finding my words again. As my heart lays broken and empty and lost and hurt and damaged and all in pieces - right there on the floor - I open up and let the words begin to emerge. 

I admit it aloud: I am no superhuman. 

My own pain grips at me and very nearly strangles me. 

And when God is the only one left to catch you you learn a thing or two. 

People surround me in love, they look into the depth of me and see my pain. They understand that the tears aren't staying in anymore. And they recognise all these overwhelming emotions. 

I stop. 

I stop and let go for 5 minutes and suddenly my life crashes around me. 

And this isn't the sort of crashing that is quiet and seemless. 

This SCREAMS WITH PAIN. This TEARS YOU TO PIECES. This LEAVES NO SPACE FOR STRENGTH. 

And I know it's there. And I know I try to hide it. And I know I'm not great at letting others in. And I know I need to let go. And I know the darkness of my bedroom is ultimately not very life giving. 

The tears fall and they hurt and they scream I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS. 

And somehow life doesn't come to a standstill. 

I stand before people and there is only one thing I want to say. 

I was lost and hurt and confused already.

Now I don't even know. 

One thing is sure: I am no superhuman. 

Perhaps you whisper loud I TOLD YOU SO. But listen to my heart that is opening up. 

I am no super human - it is God in me that will save me and hold me up and keep me from letting go of the end of the rope. That is all.