Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Desire

I guess the honest truth is I'm a girl. I'm a girl-turning-woman and my emotions run away with me. 

Then God said to the woman, “I will cause you to have much trouble when you are pregnant, and when you give birth to children, you will have great pain. You will greatly desire your husband, but he will rule over you.” {Genesis 3:16 NCV}

There is something in these words that fascinates me: "you will greatly desire your husband". And don't I know it to be true - I see it play out in those around me and I see it within myself. 

The whole world - the entire cosmos - shifted, and I was left desiring my husband. 

That's quite a hard thing to grapple with. 

desire
dɪˈzʌɪə/
noun
  1. 1.
    a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
    "he resisted public desires for choice in education"
    synonyms:wish, want; More
verb
  1. 1.
    strongly wish for or want (something).
    "he never achieved the status he so desired"
    synonyms:wish for, want, long for, yearn for, crave, set one's heart on, hanker after/for, pine for/after,thirst for, itch for, be desperate for, be bent on, have a need for, covet, aspire to...

I don't understand why a God who loves me would place such a desperation, such a feeling of need, such a thirsting/pining/yearning/craving/longing on my heart. 

I think it's okay to not understand. I am accepting of not understanding. 

But this frustrates me - it brings tension into my relationships and often means I don't undrstand what is going on in the very depths of me. 

Worst of all - worst of all - it takes me over, and leaves me gasping for breath as I let the desire push God out and take over. 

It's a hugely contentious issue - perhaps more so amongst the feminists. But this isn't me devaluing myself. I promise you. 

This is simply me laying myself bare in a place of confusion - and hurt - and frustration. 

It is in these spaces - these in-between spaces - these spaces where that of reason and understanding fades away - it is in these spaces that the voice of God has to take over. It is in this space here that trusting God stops just being something for the possibilities of the future and starts being a necessity for the now. 

It's hard. It's voice-raspingly, teeth grittingly, eyes-won't-dry HARD. But here is a place where the glory of God shall be revealed. 

I have wrestled with this one for years. And I don't doubt that I shall continue to do so but determination and perseverance and {most of all} a trust in God who loves me above and beyond shall not let this be what leaves me broken and hurting in a heap on the floor. 

There are dreams being built; hopes being forged and love overwhelming. Living in the in-between rocks my boat daily but there is something beautiful awaiting.