Saturday, 21 September 2013

This is a little girl lost, and injured with unknown destination.

A million one times it has felt like I've left all the mess, the hurt, the confusion, the yuck in the past.

To be brutally honest, the words wanting to fall from my mouth right now are of the more foul nature.

I am going round in circles. I feel sick. And you know what I JUST WANT SOMEONE to come along... to pick me up in their arms, carry me to a field.... and then lay with me watching the stars: forgetting about the world. not caring. eating party rings.

This is where I'm at.

And this is where I keep falling to.

God - He said He had a rescue plan, well it had better be good.

It's all very well having the reassurance of His previous rescues, but let me tell you those ebenezer stones may as well be dust when you are looking the next gaping hole in the eye.

I don't know if I'm angry. ashamed. hurt. lost.

Or all of the above.

But it doesn't feel good.

It doesn't feel peaceful.

And it certainly doesn't feel like life being fully lived.

What happened to that girl who wandered the city and saw God in the Beauty of it all?

What happened to her?

I never asked for her to grow up.

I didn't think she had any more innocence to lose, clearly I was wrong...and clearly she did. And most probably she still does.

And yes God you are still whispering these Beautiful truths into my heart....and its all very well to reassure me....but really it comes to no use in this moment.

I mean what do you want me to say?!

They come at me with their questions.

Come on Grace. Grace, come on. Grace we need an answer - an answer Grace. Grace are you there? Hello Grace. No Grace. No Grace. No, no, no Grace. Yes Grace. No Grace. Shhh Grace. Grace Grace Grace Grace.

Oh SHUT UP.

Like really.

This is me drowning. This is me really losing it.

This is me throwing my arms in the air and claiming the truth that I don't even know what 'it' is anymore.

I keep losing every. single. thing. And I went to put dirty laundry in the oven. And if I have it together then my name is George.

It's not working out. And this is going to be the longest year of my life. And I am absolutely dreading it.

Do you have any idea of the arguments that await?!

Oh man I just want someone to snuggle me up, and dream with me.

I do, I do, I do.

And that note, that note you whispered - it disappeared. I can't even return to it.

Oh deary me. Letter writing. Ha. Ha. Ha. Funny one that.

I love him. I just do. And yet he is another part that is falling to pieces.

I am left with limited options.

Where do I turn?

Because this is getting old.

If only I could see a sign of hope. A pin-prick of light terrorising the darkness. And yet I can't, I just can't.

This is a little girl lost, and injured with unknown destination.

And my throat is going hoarse from all the screaming for HELP. Oh won't you come now.