Tuesday, 13 August 2013

the desperate cries of my heart

oh yes I did. I cried my eyes out at the front of church. and now I can't control any of my emotions.

every time that I let myself stop just for a second, I fall apart. like really far apart. like I don't know where I am or where I'm going or how to trust God anymore.

I don't doubt that God loves me. I know that. from the bottom of my heart I know that.

but I am scared.

if this place is one thing for me, it is the place that I write out the unaltered cries of my heart.

and I never know who reads. I never know. but does it really matter, because as my fingers tap away, etching my thoughts, my cries, my longings into this tiny teeny little corner of the internet, God hears.

God sees every tear that starts building up, before gravity takes it's cause and pulls that very tear down my face.

it leaves a damp little circle shape on my clothes below.

and then another one forms.

and I cry.

I cry my very little heart out.

I tell people over and over that God has a lamp to my feet not a great big shining torch beam, and yet I never listen for myself.

I just tear my hair out.

and I let my heart rip apart,

and everything is turning violently.

because there is this great big God and I want to know what is going on.

but He says wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

oh just SHUT UP.

like, really, God I just can't deal with it anymore.

I smile and I laugh and I know people just don't understand

and there are few shoulders strong enough to hold me standing as I sob out

and there are few shoulders brave enough

and there are few shoulders just there

and I cry out for a shoulder to come to me.

and still it doesn't.

and yet again I am left just me and God in this ever-shrinking room

and I turn my back.

I say oh really God so you're not giving me that big strong shoulder today

well I am not even going to look at you

I don't want to talk

I don't want to laugh

and I definitely don't want to live right now

I want that big strong shoulder and until I get it

I am turning right around

I am crossing my arms and turning right around.

because I have had enough

and I ask and you say wait so I ask for something else and it doesn't appear with a swipe of the magic wand, fairy dust and a beautiful pumpkin

so I turn my back

and I get mad for another day

and I go to bed

and I wake up

and I do it all again

right until I'm busy.

no one understands.

because no one can hear the real, bare, true, cracked voice that shakes itself from the very inner depths of me.

most people just walk on by

perhaps a second look, but mostly not

oh you say I'm beautiful do you God

well last time I checked there was some rather ugly looking spots, a roll of fat falling out of my bra

and yeah my feet smell

they just do

and you have the cheek

to whisper it loud

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

well I don't know who you are looking at

because most people just seem to use my shoulder to carry them along

when all I'm looking for is a shoulder to hold me up

and here come the tears again

because my heart is crying out

and I am getting really real and true and honest

and it hurts.

it really FLIPPING hurts

why do I feel all this?

everyone else carries on their lives

I try to step out of the mundane into what You have

and this is what I get

a whole lot of pain?

and hurt?

and brokenness?

and struggles?

and a life completely clouded by....drowning in fear?

I don't understand

I'd love to see it all as a beauy-full, holy mystery

but I don't

I just see you standing there whispering over and over

I LOVE YOU

I don't want your love if it means feeling like this

suddenly the image changes

and I see a man taking the crack of the whip

it snaps against his body - blood-shaking

and again

and again

snap

and again

he is being beaten to the core

his skin is bare

and wearing thin

and the blood seeps out

and still his lips move

I LOVE YOU

Grace I love you

and I don't like this image

because that's all my rubbish he is standing there taking

and still his lips are moving

Grace I love you

I love you

I love you

and I stand here and curse

I stand here and I look him in the eye

I tell him I don't want his love

and still he stands there

he stands there even underneath all the weight

and he looks beyond my eyes down into the very depths of who I am

and he says

I love you

and it is in that place.

in that small place.

in that tiny bit of fear that the light reveals the hope

oh how I would love to live without fear

and anger

but for now it is still there

except that place

that place that the God of all the earth just loved light into

literally right here.

I start to breathe again

and I let God take my hand

I let Him hold me tight

and I open my ears to His whisper

I love you Grace.

I love you my beautiful Grace.