Saturday, 31 August 2013

I am steering this ship blind.

Oh yeah I am.

I am stumbling through the forest with my eyes shut.

I am following the compass with no end destination.

I am eating this cake and it just keeps getting bigger.

It is all so very endless.

I just don't understand where I am headed, I don't understand all these things that God keeps whispering in my ear, and as much as I try to write the dots down...

...joining them up is another matter entirely.

You know those clown things with the round bum that you have for kids? And they wobble and they wibble as you shove them about? And yet they always return to the standing position.

I feel like that. I feel like I am trying to go this way and then suddenly I am hurdling towards that way, but when all is said and done I am still standing on the very spot I started.

You will never walk alone.

God promised me that.

He whispered it into my very soul.

You will never walk alone.

And yet I don't really believe Him.

I don't really believe the very words that leave His lips.

No wonder I have problems trusting people, I can't even trust the Maker of the universe.

I am so backwards...maybe I am forwards?

But probably not.

Things were going so well, and then they crashed again.

They always seem to do that.

Crash. Bang. Splutter.

Crash.

Bang.

Splutter.

CRASH.

BANG.

SPLUTTER.

Oh I don't care...why should I?

Why don't I return to the mundane?

Why don't I do that maths degree, then earn all that money, then pay God off in my 'giving'? Why don't I?

It would be so much easier.

So much simpler.

All this heart ache.

All this confusion.

I am sure it would all disappear.

Well of course it would...

...because it is following God's plans that brings on all the rubbish.

So if I went the other way, surely the rubbish would find its way to the trash can?

I claim to not be religious. And yet I eat 3 times a day. I attend Church once a week. And I count.

I count. I count. I count. I count.

I count in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out...

I never just let go. I watch the number rise and fall, rise and fall and fall, rise and fall and fall and fall.

I don't think I will ever get this right.

And no one listens. No one hears.

No one listens. No one hears.

They're all too busy, and really...why should they care anyway?

And I am back alone, just as He who is mighty promised I wouldn't be.

So why should I listen at all?

Why do I even bother to write? I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I DON'T CARE.

I say it aloud and still no one hears. They're not listening.

They never listen.

Not ever.

They just pretend. Oh I am busy.

They pretend to listen, but really it's: Oh I am busy.

Oh really Grace, oh wow Grace, oh NO ONE CARES Grace.

Oh Grace do this. Oh Grace do that. Oh Grace do this. Oh Grace do that.

NO ONE CARES Grace. Oh Grace do that. NO ONE CARES Grace.

And still it goes on. And I sit here, and I hold my knees tight, and I try to hold the tear in...

I feel it coming, brimming at the edge....

and I try to hold it in.

I close my eyes. I blink and I blink and I blink.

But it falls. And then another one comes.

And they all just shout louder NO ONE CARES Grace. Of course they come over, of course they start fussing, of course they ask if I am alright. But they don't care.

They have to come over, they have to fuss, they have to ask if I am alright: I am crying for goodness sake.

I am a girl and I am crying. They have to attend to me.

But they don't care.

They just pretend.

NO ONE CARES Grace.

And I feel a bit of love and it hits me hard and I cry some more...

but then I hear the whispers coming back NO ONE CARES Grace.

NO ONE CARES Grace.

NO ONE CARES Grace.

Funny sort of whisper that. It sounds eerily like shouting.

NO ONE CARES Grace.

Oh Grace do this. Oh Grace do that.

Oh here is some chocolate Grace. NO ONE CARES Grace.

Oh Grace have a party ring. NO ONE CARES Grace.

I smile, I do. I smile and I laugh and I tell myself it is good.

I smile and I laugh and I tell myself that God sees, I do.

But if He sees so very clearly, then why am I still alone?

Why do they still treat me with silence, and think I am strong enough to take on and take on and take on and take on, without ever stopping and saying it out loud Grace I care?

Grace I care.

Grace I care.

Grace you are worthy.

Grace you are so absolutely beautiful.

Grace I see God in your image.

Grace you are worthy.

Grace I love you.

Grace I don't want any of that from you, Grace I just love you.

Grace I would love you if you just sat on your bed all day.

Grace I love you beyond all that.

Grace I love you more than all that.

Grace I care.

Grace I care.

But they don't. They do for a day, or two. But then they don't.

And I am a sensitive soul really. Really it cuts me deep. Really I take every look. Every word. Every thought on board.

I take it all and it eats my insides out.

It eats them.

And it eats them.

It eats them until I am left with no more.

I am empty and dry.

These are dry old bones.

With no where left to fall to.

I'm on holy ground, and I'm sinking.