Today I woke up exhausted because I've been away all week working at a conference.
I forced myself out of bed, had a shower and walked to Church.
We stood to sing the first song, and what else was it but 'Our God is greater, our God is stronger' and suddenly it hit me. One year ago to the very day I got on that plane and flew to the other side of the world, went to a Church and sung that very song.
One year ago to the day.
Tears built up, and in the end I turned around and said to my friend behind me 'I need a hug' before sobbing on her shoulder.
I could feel the pain and hurt and longing overwhelm me, I so want to be on that plane again. I so want to go out again. It hurts to not know when I will. It hurts and it hurts and it hurts.
Like a constant ache that was finally released.
There are things in life that I need to do.
I am beginning to wonder how long this waiting may go on for.
I have a year.
God doesn't always stick to my time scales.
I am petrified.
I am yearning.
I am rather lost too.
I am forgetting my enjoyment of writing as I am caught up in a life that I love living, and a future I am more than unsure of.
God you are bigger. God you are higher. God you are ultimate comforter. Show me your big embrace. Love me and love me and love me. I need you. I really need you. Thank you for people who hold me tight as I cry and cry and cry.
I don't want to do it all again. I would never, ever rewrite this year.