Sunday, 23 June 2013

when a young girl is sick and tired

I feel like I'm almost ready to give up already.

{It is probably sensible to say here that I do often feel like writing when I'm in a more extreme mood than usual, but it is still how I feel}

Here I am just starting with life, taking those first steps into a world that so many think they know so much about.

But I can tell you now.

I don't like it.

I don't like people telling me they know best, I don't like people planning my life for me.

I don't like it when I am left crying and gasping for breath as I try to keep the ship from sinking.

It is easier to keep my true emotions inside.

But when another brother {more like dad} in Christ looked me right in the eyes this morning and asked me how I was, I lied.

I nodded and said 'I'm okay.' And was trying to convince myself as much as him.

He clearly saw through because he asked me again.

I'd been thinking all week.

I want someone to just take the time to ask me how I am, and then listen to me. Because I am not okay.

But when the opportunity came I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to burden him with all these things that to be honest are pretty insignificant, but still like I said. I. am. gasping. for. air.

How did I get to this point where I feel so completely broken?

Where singing praises is a battle I have to come at with force to get through?

And it keeps being said, by me if not anyone else, it is in the broken and the pain that we meet God.

But when that becomes reality.

I am left not knowing what to say.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Philippians 4.

6 to 7.

My extreme fears of how to step out of this valley onto the mountain top.

Without being so exhausted that I miss the beautiful view.

Can you just cradle me tonight God?

These are the pleas of a girl who feels shattered.

It has been said she does not know the meaning of the word 'tired'.

But somehow she begs to differ.

If I am exhausted to the point I do not know how I can continue.

Then I think I know the meaning, and I don't think I need kids to understand.

Hear me out for this one.

I don't want to be felt sorry for, I don't want the promise of help and support. I want the action.

I don't want the encouragement, I want the standing until sunset holding my arms up, even though it is tiring, hard and takes a lot of endurance; even though I fall to pieces all too regularly.

There is a time to be whole and a time to be broken.

I reckon so anyways.

And I am well. and truly. broken.

I guess God answered my prayer. Maybe.

God give me strength and wisdom, I love you.