I've changed a lot, and not really for the good.
I'm a lot more tired, I think I need a proper break, and a proper recharge, with proper alone time, with proper space to be me. But I don't really think I'm likely to get it any time soon.
I've still not found my phone. I'm feeling like I need to be quiet for a while, and stop giving out. I'm scared of turning my life off, because turning it on again will be hard.
I've loved this weekend! It's been a weekend of the new...and the new has brought me alive, but now I've crashed.
I feel worn down.
To be honest, I probably shouldn't have started writing, but I just want to go BLURGHHH today.
It's one of those days, in fact, it's one of those seasons, and the truth is I do have ups, but most of the time, when I am alone, when I feel like I'm being fully me, I feel consumed by being worn down.
I feel like I will never find anything else to give.
And actually I'm crying, because I know this isn't me, this isn't who I want to be, and this isn't who I am. But all is weighing heavy and I really need to learn to let go.
It feels like I've lost a part of me, and it hurts. I'm grieving that part, and pleading for it back. I can't live without my energy. But I feel lost in this maze, and I'm struggling to see a way out.
Trying to cling to the truths God breathes over me, and let go of it all. But it hurts, and I need a shoulder right now.
I need someone to hold my arms up. Because this battle is too long and too big for me to OVERWHELM by myself.
I wrote the above two hours ago.
I've been sitting here crying, I've been doing some work. And I've made a resolve: I'm going to get up and walk.
That guy, the really sick one who hadn't moved for years, he could have laughed in Jesus' face and thought Him barmy when Jesus commanded him to "Get up and walk" but he didn't, he trusted him, and his life was changed in the most miraculous way. What a step of faith.
I want to be like him. Sometimes we have to get to breaking point, just to remember what it feels like.
It is going to take some determination, I am on a LONG WAY ROUND, and I'm going to have to resolve to be okay with that. I am going to have to resolve to listen to God only, and to God through others only, no other voices, no human voices, no limiting voices.
I am going to have to sit in the not knowing, and resolve to keep going, to keep getting up, and to keep walking.
I am going to struggle: clearly. But there are people I can turn to, and God has done it before, He can do it again: He will sustain me.
So I'm letting Him keep ahold of my hand as He pulls me back to my feet, and says come on Grace, let's keep going, I've got a lot of work for you to do.
He will open a door.
As I look back I know that He has opened doors then, I can see my Ebenezer stones, so now I look forward in the knowledge and the confidence that He will provide, so I can take this step without having a clue as to what will come, but trusting that God has it all covered.
Thanks to those of you, you know who you are, who let me be me.
Solo a Dios sea la gloria.