Monday, 6 May 2013

...to nod and mutter a 'Yes'.


It's God who says this, to Paul.

But I read it a few months ago, and it struck a chord.  I was looking for Bible verses for a project, but then I stumbled across this, and something in me said "Hey! Wake up!! This one is for you!"  So I saved it.

And I made a button.  And I let the words wash over me, but I wasn't quite sure what it totally meant for me.  I already knew that I am to keep writing, until I run dry I will be pen-ing my crazy thoughts out.

But is that speaking really.

I am not a particularly quiet person, in fact I'm a 'say-it-just-as-it-is' person.  If it's in my head then sure as sure it won't be long before I say it out loud.  But speaking out about my faith freaks me out, I need the time it takes to write my thoughts to work out what I think for myself before I share it.  Talking about it face to face, is slow, and cumbersome.  And I don't think anyone has ever really understood me when I've tried.

But then I preached.

And I say that and it sounds all big and posh and scary and leader-ish and old and wise and not-me, and I wonder how on earth I managed to get myself here.

They are some of the few words that I kept in my head for no-one to know, 'I want to preach'.

Yet, apparently, God heard and I found myself not sitting side by side with the family I call home, but standing in front-of, and I came alive.

I am serious here, I loved it.

But I think something in me got hit.

I can't even remember how many it was who came up to me and told me not to stop, to keep on speaking.

{And I began to feel like Paul.}

But they didn't just come up to me and say it briskly, every single one of them came up to me and stopped, then they said it, they said something abouts: 'That was really good Grace, don't stop, keep speaking.'

But clearly it didn't seem like I was really listening because every one of them stopped, and it was almost as if they shook me, they made me look right into their eyes and they said it again, 'Grace do you understand?  That's a gift, you must use it, don't stop speaking.'

I think my eyes went into the back of my head, my throat certainly closed up, and with every one of them all I could manage was to nod furiously; to nod and mutter a 'Yes'.

Because sometimes the Holy ground feeling leaves you taking your all off, and it's impossible to know what to say, and so all you can do is nod big, and try to let them know your heart heard.

And I don't know how this is even possible.  The world most certainly says I'm too young, too inexperienced, and not qualified enough.

I can't see how I won't have to wait another 4 years at least.

So I'm handing it back to God.

If this really is a gift from You, God, then let me use it when you see best.  Let it be of You, by You, for You, IN You, just You.  It isn't me, I didn't do it, it was You, I couldn't have done it.  So when the time comes let the door open big and clear.  But in this moment, let me focus on the Now; on what is before me.  In Your Holy name, AMEN!

And that's that.