Tuesday, 14 May 2013

In which I really don't want to be responsible...and I am not enough.

I was talking to my niece the other day.  And I came to the conclusion that I want to be 5 again.

Who doesn't?

The lack of responsibility, the being completely oblivious, and the not having to own who you are.

When you finally become aware of who you are, you fall into this yearning of wanting to be "old" to be "big" to be an "adult".  You spend every part of you trying to "grow up" as fast as you can.

Now I am nearly there; I am beginning to understand the responsibilities I've never had to bother with, I remember the yearning, and wonder why it is that no matter how hard you try, you can never fully understand, until you find yourself in a position of responsibility, quite what that feels like.

I do want to go back, but unsurprisingly that's not going to happen.

I don't want to be responsible.

I don't feel old enough to be able to make decisions as big as I am having to.

I don't feel wise enough. Or sensible enough. Or {to be quite honest} anything enough.

I do not feel enough.

And once again I come back to this.  I am not enough. Me. Alone. I am not enough.  But I am NOT alone.

This isn't me against the world.  This is God and I, in an amazing relationship-partnership, journeying through this world, and into the next, together!

I am not enough; until I turn to God.  In God I am always enough, because He sees me that way.  And He loves me that way.  And He makes me enough.

I am never going to be responsible enough to handle these things.  But that is okay, because God has it covered, and He is willing, He wants to guide me!  All I have to do is let Him.

I still don't want to be responsible, but when God says "Here, give it to me, I'll take it all, I've got it all covered." Where can I find an excuse?

God is bigger than responsibilities and not feeling enough.

God is bigger than all.  And God is love.  In God I trust.