Thursday, 11 April 2013

I am really scared and freaking out over here!

There's something very scary about realising what it is you have signed up for; what it is you have decided to throw every single part of your being in to.

And when what you have chosen - what your heart is burning brightly, and violently turning for - is so very different from what every single other person seems to even slightly yearn for or look to, its hard to stand up and be the person who swims the other direction.

I hadn't realised it properly, but I AM SCARED.

I always sort of 'pretend' not to be, I just carry on kidding myself as well as most of the people around me, that I am crazy, that I want to do something different, but that's okay with me.

IT'S REALLY NOT. I am quaking in my boots...and half the reason living Now isn't so hard is that the idea of looking at what I'm going to be doing in just over a years time is really really scary!

I understand it, I get it, I need to 'just trust God'.

But seriously: "just" ?!! It is HARD to trust Him. Even though there is no one else more trustworthy: there is also no one else whom could be trusted with the rest of my life!

Here I am just a girl-turning-woman...and the idea of handing over my life completely to God is really AWESOME, and exciting, and totally the best thing I could imagine doing with my life...but its still extremely scary!!

I mean I'm still having serious doubts on a decision I made 5 months ago, there's no turning back on it, but still it eats away at my thoughts, at my energy, at my heart, at who I am. Its hard to say no to the regrets and the doubts and the fears, when you are living in a cloud of mist and fog.

One minute I'm sky high because someone encourages me, the next I'm looking at what seems like a black void in my future, and I plummet to the ground, I am seriously scared.

I just want to curl in a ball and forget about it all, but where will that get me?

I AM FREAKING OUT, but don't worry just walk on by.  It's hard to keep up the 'pretence' so that others don't  try and stop me, you know.  I am scared, simple as.

On my knees, trying, yearning, longing to dream bigger, but it's scaring me a lot right now.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; 
do not depend on your own understanding. 
(Proverbs 3:5)