Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Scared to live.

What if I live, but I end up not getting married?

What if I live, but I lose everything, and everyone, I know?

What if I live, but I don't ever go to the Dominican Republic again?

What if I live, but I don't fulfil what I want to do?

What if I live, but when all is said and done I regret, I regret it all?

What if I live, but when it comes to it I've forgotten about what matters?

What if I live, but I forget God? What if I meet such huge rubbish that I decide that God can't exist?  What if I forget His love?  What if I stop seeking Him?

What if...?

Do you realise how flipping scared I am?!  I am wanting to run away from the unknown depths of the life that is my future.

I am wanting to run away, find a shovel, and dig a hole right in the middle of a deserted field, and just curl up there, underneath a blanket, with a torch, a book, and my fluffy highland cow (his name is Angus).

I am scared to live, I am really, really, REALLY scared to live!

And I don't like being scared.

But it's not about not liking it, it's about the fact that being scared to live is surely the complete opposite of daring to live?

Where have I got myself?

Into a place that could easily spiral into a deep, deep pit of painful darkness.  A place where I can't really be bothered to do anything because of the fear of failure.  A place which invites me to snuggle into my most comfortablest place and stay there for hours, and hours, and hours...days even.

Sounds tempting, right?

Check out Matthew 4:1-11, and let's remember to not be tempted by that which is easy, which is comfortable, which is best for us, because at the end of the day it is not true, and it is a path that will in the end lead to destruction, because it is the path that the enemy lays before us.  Instead let us turn to Jesus, let us turn to His lamp, because though His lamp does not light the path as well as the Enemy's power torch does, Jesus' lamp can be trusted so, so much more. In fact, Jesus' lamp can be trusted completely.

I am completely scared but what would be the point in living, without actually living?

This is this call to dare to live.  Despite all the fears, the worries, the unlikelihoods of success, despite all that which seems to come with facing the prospects of actually living, daring to live will be worth it.  God promises that, and He can be trusted.

Yes I am still very scared.

So on this day when we remember that God chose to limit Himself, to become one of us, I want to remember that in Him doing that I am given the hope of life, and I am given a friend who can be relied upon, and trusted, completely.  This is a friend that not only understands what it is to be human, He can also be trusted to be with me no matter what.

I'm scared, but I'm not alone.

"At the moment, I have no idea what I am building but I do know who and what I am building on."

Not even the foggiest clue as to what it is I'm building to be honest, I would LOVE to know.

I want it to be for His glory, and to be part of His beautiful, and to always be dreaming bigger.

But though I don't know exactly what it is, and though I am completely and utterly freaked out and scared by the whole 'life' and 'living' thing...I can trust on the Rock that is God.

God is love.  Still seeking out the hope.