Monday, 31 December 2012

2012 turns to 2013.

2012: This is the year when I've looked at my own name and begun to realise and marvel at the full meaning behind that word, 'grace'.

This is the year in which I started writing, thanks to Anna I have dared to write all this jumble that has been rumbling around my head.

This is the year when I stepped out of everything I know to greet things beyond anything imaginable.

Friendships strengthened, and friendships made: so many amazing friendships have been made this year, and I have God to thank for every single person that He has placed in my life.

This year has taught me to know that I am never alone, I am never unloved, I am never worthless. I am certainly not a model of perfection, but God looks past that, and so do my friends, thankfully.

This is the year when starry nights started to mean a whole lot more to me than they used to.

This is the year when I found out about the Beauty in beauty.

This is the year when I was dared to live; and I took that dare and let it into every little hole and corner and twist and turn with me.  I let it start to breathe life into me.  I am scared of the dare, but I want it.

This is the year when I looked at death, and pain, and hurt, with eyes that were open.  And I was angry.

This is the year when something changed, not necessarily for the better, but it changed.

This is the year in which I fell in love, again, and again, and again.  Over and over.  And its sickening and dizzying...but one day it won't be over and over, one day it will be continuous.

This is the year that I realised that this world is a whole lot bigger than I I'd thought.

This is the year where I seeked to learn.

This is the year where I started to count, and realised the impossibility in that.

This is the year where I made a million mistakes, just like every year before that.  I hope they were different ones, I do want to learn.

This is the year in which I left my heart somewhere else.

This is the year in which I learnt to call people 'crazy', and 'naughty' in Spanish.  And how to say 'rubbish' and 'God bless you' see when you want to learn, you just do, and it makes me laugh.

This year I laughed a lot, and I cried tons too.

I've been reading.

I've done a lot less making.

I've learnt the art of being lazy.

And some relationships have changed.  I hope, beyond hope, that none have been lost, but certainly characters have changed, I have changed.  I have moved on, and others have moved on.

People have moved away, and I've cried, and mourned.

I've mourned in this year, for people, for memories, for moments.

I've yearned too.

I've learnt that some people must never be lost.

This year I have fallen in love with Church. With all it's mess, and dirt, and rubbish.  But also it's Beauty.

This year I have fallen in love over and over and over.

I have learnt about HOPE.  I promise never to lose that, because once hope is lost I do not see how anything could continue.

I could go on forever because as I write about what the year past has held, I start to remember things that have been forgotten so easily, but believe me, 2012 is a year I will remember forever.  There is something special about this year, and as it ends and I start to wonder at what the new year will bring, I reflect upon all that has been done.

I am still scared, I still need my hand to be held, but this year I've learnt how to hold my head up even in all the mess, and the hurt.

Sarah Bessey's one word for 2012 was 'fearless', I want this to be my word forever: for ever and a day.  Because the moments in which I have been fearless this year gone, have been the ones to bring the most transformation and hope and love to my life.

So here's to:
Stepping out of the boat (even in the storm)
Daring to live (safely in His arms)
Dreaming bigger (even when all hope seems to be lost)

...all as we head towards God's Beautiful somewhere.

Thank you for following me, for reading about me, for listening in on my little life, for letting my voice be heard.  You are an answer to prayer, and a complete blessing, because God is showing me things through you that I can't comprehend myself.

This world is a lot bigger than I thought, but I matter, and you matter.

The choices you make: THEY matter.

I hope you have a blessed 2013, I know you will, I just hope you open your eyes to it.

In my little corner of the internet I'm saying goodbye to the most amazing year, and I'm heading into 2013 with a very small lamp to my feet, and I'm scared, but hopeful, and exhilarated, and loving the people around me.

Keep going. Don't give up now.