This week was amazing, apart from one thing. There was one thing that made me feel like a car crash. There was one thing that kept me up until the early hours of the morning. There was one thing that brought me to tears before God.
When someone you love makes the wrong decisions, when you can see them crashing to the ground, how do you deal with that?
It has been eating at me for months now, it tears me apart, and leaves me in tears quite regularly. The frustration of not being able to do anything about it, I'm constantly asking my friends, 'what can we do?'. And when they reply, 'I don't know Grace, I just don't know.' My heart breaks a little bit more, and I start losing hope.
I don't really know how to deal with it, and I've prayed and I've prayed, and I've got angry, SO angry at God. Why are you letting this happen?! Why can't you make it stop?! Why do you sit by and watch this self-destruction?!
And the anger boils up and over flows, the tension is high, but underneath it all I'm not angry, I'm broken. Completely broken in two, and it hurts. I know the truth, underneath it all, right in the depths of my heart I know the truth. I know that God can't defy free will, I know that it breaks His heart even more than it breaks mine, but I also know that He still loves.
Even when someone runs 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction, God still loves them. Even when someone hurts other people through their actions, God can see past it, He yearns to forgive them, He still loves them. Even when someone hurts themselves, when they cause harm, and start losing what makes them whole, God still loves them.
They might have forgotten about His love, or maybe they never knew it really in the first place, but it is still there, it never goes away. In Romans 8:38-39 it says, 'For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'
And I repeat this verse again and again, because it is mind blowing. Just try to understand just a tiny bit. God's love for you, and for that person who is running the wrong way, and for every single person on this planet, is greater than any distance imaginable or unimaginable. His love has no boundaries, nothing can stop His love. There is not one single thing you can do, or say, there is not one single thing anyone can do or say to make God love you or anyone else any less.
When you start to realise that, even just a small bit, you will have no choice but to fall to your knees, because the Beauty of it is remarkable, and it is too much to take in, and its amazing, and its like nothing else.
When someone starts self-destructing right in front of you and nothing you do seems to make any difference, all there is left to do is fall to your knees. And actually the first thing to do is fall to your knees, and the last thing to do is fall to your knees. Fall to your knees and bring yourself, as well as them, before the King of Kings.
As you stay on your knees learn this: 'Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.' (1 Corinthians 13:7-8)
That person you love who is self-destructing in front of you, as you stay rooted on your knees, NEVER forget that you love them, remember that love that brought you to your knees, and remember that as love hopes, perseveres and never fails, you must not lose hope, you must love no matter what, no matter how much rubbish they throw at you, no matter how many times you are broken, no matter how many times they throw it all back in your face, no matter how many times you're brought to tears, you must carry on loving them.
And lastly you must trust, you must trust that it is all in God's hands. He is the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and the Omega (Revelation 21:6), His love never fails, even if yours does, He has always been, and will always be. We do not know what the outcome will be, so let's trust the One who does.
Pray, love, and trust God.
It is ok to be broken, but don't be broken alone, bring it to God.
In your brokenness fall to your knees.
In your brokenness love no matter what.
In your brokenness trust God wholly and completely.
And let's be broken together? Because when others join me on their knees because they're broken by the same thing, and they're broken by my brokenness, the burdens are shared and we can carry the burden to God together, and we can support, and share, and love together.
Whether it is days, weeks, months or even years until they stop self-destructing. Perseverance, patience, love and trust will carry me through in His arms, and perhaps it will bring them to His arms too. Because His arms will be waiting for them.