Sunday, 25 November 2012

Please will you let me dream?

Dear you,

Hello, my dear, I hope you are doing okay, toodling through life with a smile on your face atleast once in a while.

There is something I want to try and explain to you.

Can you do people a favour and stop thinking you know what is best for them?

Because I have been on the receiving end of that recently, and I am not enjoying it...

It makes me feel like I can't make a decision for myself, or because I want to do something that is against the 'norm' there must be something wrong with me, but the worst thing about it?  It creates this barrier between me and you, like how am I meant to tell you about what goes on in my head if the ideas I have are so wild and so crazy, that all you do is check that I am still on track for the plan you have in mind for me, and then brush aside what I am thinking about?

I know, there are all these ideas of the best way to live life, how to have the most fulfilling and complete life, but maybe some of those things just aren't for me?

The day that I tell someone my hopes and dreams for the future, and they just accept, and with no agenda say, 'Wow Grace, that is amazing, can I help you keep dreaming bigger? Can I encourage you in that, and push you forward through every step you take?  Can I help you give it all to God, letting Him take the lead?' I will feel so, so relieved to have someone who just accepts, even if they don't completely understand.

Because actually I can't take anymore instructions of what is expected, what you think I should do, how you think my dreams are going to be best fulfilled, I can't take anymore...as much as I know you want the best of me, and I know that you may have a few more years experience than me, please will you just try to understand my dreams?  It's not as if I'm not scared, because the honest truth is that I am absolutely petrified!

Life would be so much simpler if I went ahead and did a normal route, you know: settle down with a full time job, start a family, and grow old with my wonderful husband.  I know life would still have its ups, its downs and its crazy corners, but I don't think I would be having this constant battle to try and find someone who understands.

I tell some people what I am thinking, and they smile and say, 'Ahhh, that is really cool'...but I can see it in their faces, what they mean to say is, 'Man, you are crazy! Don't even know why you're bothering!'

And okay, so maybe I am crazy! Maybe all this is just a ludicrous idea that in a couple of years time will have dwindled away, and then everyone can be happy.  But right now I can not see that happening.

I hope all this is down to God, I hope that He put these dreams and ideas, and crazy schemes onto my heart.  I hope that if I chase them they will be in His plan.  I am trying to say that it is okay if they're not.  The truth is, all I really want is to give up everything and just entrust it to the Lord.

Behind everything, that is what I stumble onto in the end, behind everything is this desire to do His will, however that doesn't mean I can't, or that I don't, dream for myself.  Please will you let me dream, correct me when my dreams move away from His will, but let me dream, let me dream bigger and bigger and bigger, please?

I know it may all seem rather complicated, and maybe you are struggling to understand, but I beg of you, please try to start understanding, even just a tiny bit?

Thank you,

Grace Elizabeth.

P.S. ...do you want to know what I want to do with my life?  I want to be a missionary, I will write about all that soon.