I sit here and contemplate what to write. And my eyes just want to close, and rest, and just sleep.
I am worn out, tired, and weary.
If I step away from that then I feel amazing, on top of the world, this roller coaster is crazy, and it is very tiring. And I have no idea where I find the energy to live each day, but I''m carrying on and carrying on.
And I am learning something, I can't do anything by myself, until I give everything to God, I'm going to keep on failing, because doing it in my own strength just doesn't work.
And its a week today, just one week until the debrief from Dominican Republic. And so I am starting to consider: three months, I have been home now, and what is it that I have done, exactly?
And I feel a bit clouded in, it feels like I'm living in a fog to be honest. I can see behind me, just about, but when I look around right where I am, I just feel like I am in the middle of nowhere, it's hard for my hands to see what my feet are doing, for my heart to know what my mind is thinking. The fog seems to be clouding everything up, and I do seem to be living in this confusion right now.
And not only that, my life also seems to be moving at a hundred miles an hour, sometimes its just spinning, sometimes I'm going up, way up high into the sky, and sometimes I'm crashing right down again.
A rollercoaster in fog. And oh it is so, so uncomfortable.
One thing I have re-realised: the lows, the complete: 'I want to stop living lows', are worth it, because when you get to the highs, the comparison makes the highs seem a million times better than they really are. And I am trying to learn to live with an outlook of optimism and hope, but it isn't the easiest thing to do.
At the strangest hours of the night I have realisations that can change my mood drastically. 2am and I lie there feeling completely distraught, like I'm falling to pieces because it could be years before I see my friend again, and I miss her, and I just really, really would like to see her, and there is no guarantees, and I feel frustrated, and it makes me confused, and the answer comes back to trust and patience.
Micha Boyett wrote a couple of posts recently: 'What I am not' and 'What I am'. It made me consider again what makes me me, the good, and the bad, and the ugly. And I could start listing for you, but all I will say is...
I am very, very impatient.
I am not trusting.
Letting go and giving it all to someone else is scary, and I really just want to keep control myself, and then its me to blame, and then I can try to teach myself, I know its not good for me, I know its not what is best for me, but still I find it impossible to let go and trust.
And it was also at 2am when God showed me that I really can't do it. I know in my head that if I just trusted, all would be okay, but my heart just keeps pushing forward, forgetting to trust. And God showed me that this is never going to change if I keep trying to teach myself, if I keep learning from God, but then taking what I've learnt into my own hands, trying to control it with my own strength.
It is NEVER going to work, because in my own strength I am going to keep falling back to this problem...I just am not a trusting sort of person. But God, He knows how to trust, so if I let Him in, if I open up my heart, He can enter and in His strength I can learn to trust Him.
And as I learn to trust, patience will become easier. And maybe I will be able to step off the roller coaster and rest in His arms for a while now and again, and maybe when I get back on I will be thankful for His gifts in every moment, in the crashing lows, and in the highest highs, I can keep thanking.
And then eucharisteo can overflow, and I will be submerged in His incredible grace.
I like realising, and do you know one other thing that God has helped me to realise, it took from April to August, and even longer, but finally I realise the gift that is my name. Grace. I am beginning to understand how remarkable grace is, how amazing, how powerful, how beautiful.
Every single day of my life I have been called, 'Grace', I have been spoken to, 'Grace'...and the word has become old, and my name has begun to seem unimportant and insignificant. The most life-giving thing is how wrong this was, grace is of the upmost importance, it is the most significant. It is by grace I am saved. Grace has saved me, grace saves Grace. How incredible, how beautiful, how stunning is that?
Grace has saved you too. His love never fails, and neither does His grace. ALL is grace, and He keeps calling, and He gives us rules, but knows we can't do it alone so He walks with us.
And Ann Voskamp is saving my life right now...and HERE is why.
And God's grace is saving my life right now. And the fog will clear, I am sure, as I look up I see His hand reaching down to guide, and comfort, and love, and look after me.
And the fog will clear, and I will dance in the clouds, dance in the dirt, dance in the rain. And it will be okay.
Please keep dreaming bigger as we head for God's beautiful somewhere...and fall to your knees with me?
"Even though there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary, in the end, we will be okay."