Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Living in this scary place.

What was it? 3 months ago? I lay curled up under pink canvas, inside my sleeping bag with my blanket on top, I listened as a creature ran back and forth alongside the tent.

In the middle of the night I awoke and wandered out under the sky, and wow, my head was blown! I chased for the moon, as I had done in the city but a few weeks before, and Beauty stole my breath.

'King of wonders, we stand amazed...You know the way to our hearts' - King of wonders, by Matt Redman

And it is true you know, 3 months ago, I was being knocked over daily, I was standing amazed, but being knocked off my feet too. Stunned by His wonder: the Beauty that He is.  Even walking through a town, just going about my everyday life, I was being blown away in each moment as it came.

He had found and opened the way to my heart, and it was setting me on fire, as well as giving me peace, it was making me want to run and jump and chase the moon, as well as wanting to just sit in awe and amazement and just simply marvel at His magnificence and Beauty.

This way to my heart was opening up my eyes, enabling my other senses to work even better, and my heart was being opened too. I was learning to see God in the moment, to uncover the hidden Beauty of every single moment and I could feel myself flowering. It was making me blossom, and it felt amazing, right down to my deepest depths something was happening, and Beauty was being found.

But believe me, it really doesn't feel pretty anymore.

I lie under the same blanket, this time on my super comfy mattress, with my duvet keeping me snuggly and warm, no stars to walk out under, the cold is kept out by solid walls, and as I lie here, I realise that I've lost something.

I've been home from the Dominican Republic for almost 2 months now, and I just can't deal with the lack of seeing Beauty, all that work to uncover the hidden Beauty that was happening before, it’s just not working any more, I can't quite explain it.

It feels like that way to my heart has gone, I went to DR and saw such real and pure and complete Beauty, and now home just seems so ugly.

I look at each thing and just think about the Dominican, and I'm seeing through ugly eyes. And finding the grace to see things as Beauty, is oh so hard.

I have to wear a suit, and as I put it on each day, all I can think is that the cost of it could pay for a Juice programme. And it is so ungrateful, because truly it is a blessing that I can afford the suit, and I do need it, but still all I think of is the Dominican. It’s not just about my clothes, everywhere I look; I consider how much more of a difference could be made in the Dominican.  It is hard to explain, it doesn’t matter what I do, because I just think how much more useful even my time would be in the Dominican Republic, and I am just constantly attaching this worthlessness to everything I do, or hear, or say, or see.

I feel so unclean, and so dirty, and so ugly, and detached from God.

His Beauty was drawing me closer.

Amid all the confusion of emotions upon my return, I missed it happening, and now here I am suddenly opening my eyes to what I have been doing for almost two months now.

I don’t know what to think, or do, or say about it.

I think I am going to have to start again, right from the beginning.  I am going to have to take myself back to being a child, the experiences in the Dominican Republic made me grow up, and get too big for myself, but now I need to return to being a child, a treasured child of the King.  Because that place of being a grown up is dangerous. I start thinking myself bigger than everyone else, just because I have seen what they have not.  It makes me get angry when they do not understand. And I forget how to see with eyes that see through the ugly, and past the yuck, to uncover the hidden beauty, and suddenly I am thrown into an ugly world, where everything has turned a dull grey, and I become just a bit too lonely.

And it is scary, it is VERY scary, that lonely, grey, dull place scares every single part of me. It sends chills through me, and all I know is that right NOW I need to get out of that place, I need to re-teach myself to see His Beauty.  Because this is a dark, dark place to live, and I am not going to survive long living here.

King of Wonders by Matt Redman, covered by
Dan Shiells and Jayson Hobbs

God, YOU know the way to my heart, so PLEASE open it up, and reveal your Beauty to me again, this place is scary, and it is empty of you, and I really do not want to stay here. Please help me out of here, help me to let go, and fall back to my knees, returning to be a child of yours.  Hold your arms out and catch me please.  I do love you, and I do love your Beauty, and I do love this place that is home for now, help me to find and reveal, and spread that love.  Thank You for all the blessings you continually pour out onto me, help me to see them once more. Open my eyes, and open my heart, for You are Beautiful. Amen!