Monday, 10 September 2012

In which I throw a strop...

Yes, quite literally, I am throwing a strop.

I'm all stuck in this rut, and to be honest I either want to stay here or go backwards.

I just don't want to move on, I can't believe how much I'd forgotten about the Dominican Republic already, I don't want to risk losing any more of it!
I just want to have stayed there.

Tonight I am grumpy. Very close to floods of tears. And feeling rather lost.

But I know I'm not lost, deep down, I know I'm not.

I am finding it hard to explain to even my closest friends just how I feel, I would literally get on a plane back out there tomorrow if I could, and they just can't understand quite how much moving on, continuing with life is tearing me apart. I don't blame them, I don't really understand my own emotions, so why should I expect them to?

I am very confused. Yet so clearly not.

Its like I'm in a really thick fog, but every now and again I glimpse sight, I see where I'm going, what's happening, what I'm doing.

Ultimately I feel very frustrated, because I feel like all I want is to be back in the Dominican Republic, because I miss it. I miss every single little thing about it, from Ermis to the funny little birds, I just miss it all.

But I can't have it, there is no way I can get on a plane tomorrow, and I don't know when I am going to have the opportunity to get on a plane, and that has left me feeling very frustrated.

I got home, completely exhausted, spent a week in hibernation, trying to bring a bit of order back to my mind, trying to clarify where I was headed, trying to put into comprehend-able words what I had learnt. And then I went and started jumping and rushing and running, full steam ahead, let's get through all this and get back out there, until my friends reached out their hands, grabbed my clothes, pulled me back next to them, and said, 'Grace, you need to stop and take a breath, and then pray.'

So I did, I prayed.

And God replied, all too clearly, He said, 'wait'.

He told me about preparation in the waiting.

He could not have been any clearer.

But still I'm finding it very, very, very hard.

I am very impatient. To me, telling me to wait is like putting me in chains, all I want to do is wriggle free and run full steam ahead, why wait?

And this is where the trust comes in, if I'm going to say, 'Here have my all, God' then that doesn't mean that I decide what I want to do and tell God what bits He can fill the gaps in on, along the way. I need to listen to His instructions, and trust that He has it all covered.

I need to stop being frustrated because I can't see past all the mist and the fog into the future, and I need to start living in the now.

The challenge we were sent home with was how can we be the restorer of homes (Isaiah 58:12) that we were out there in the Dominican Republic, here at home?

There is brokenness here, maybe even more than there is there, but often it takes more work to be uncovered and restored. And this is the kingdom work God has given us to do.

Love in action, here and now.

It is hard.

Patience, perseverance, preparation for what is to come. I think these are what I'm headed for.

I still feel lost at the moment, I still want to be back in the Dominican Republic at the moment, I still am throwing a strop.

But I can see past it all. I can see the hope.

Patience in the waiting.
Perseverance in the kingdom building.
Preparation for what is to come.

These are the things that as I fall to my knees before the king of kings I learn to rejoice and be glad in. I learn to see that all is grace. I learn that this is the way forward.

This is God pulling me out of the rut. Yes, maybe He is pulling me out kicking and screaming, but He has the best plan. He has all the hope, so though I am kicking and screaming, I am being dragged in the trust and in the knowledge that He will keep me safe, and He will do what is best.

I will never forget the Dominican Republic. I promise, and one day I will return I think, but for now I am learning patience, enduring through perseverance and drinking the preparation.

All is grace. Hard. All is grace. Very hard.

{I do still feel grumpy...but atleast it makes sense now, I'll get there in the end, I know I will.}