I was so angry at God.
I stood there, by this cot looking at this 8 or 9 year old child who's future looked terrible to me. I was trying to find a glimmer of hope, but it all seemed to be burned out.
She couldn't communicate with me, she found it hard to chew or swallow any food, and her movement was limited. Judgemental me saw her and said she was a lost cause, judgemental me saw her and said God had failed, judgemental me saw her and just kept judging.
What right do I have to do this?!
Who am I to stand there and say these things?!
Society takes it all away from this girl, society says she has no hope, society says she's not worth the bother, society says the worst, most cruel things. But God stands up, He rises above it all, and He says she is worthy of everything. She is worthy of His own life, she is worthy of the greatest love there is, she is worthy, she is valued, and she is a beautiful, beautiful child of God.
She is loved. As I am loved.
As. I. Am. Loved.
And I am telling you. I am loved. I am loved more than I can comprehend, and it blows me away. Away and away, up into the sky.
What reminds me of love most of all in this world?
Have you seen them? The twinkly, sparkly, teeny tiny dots in the sky.
There are loads. I try to count them, but it is impossible. I count and I count, as I look and I look, but the more I look, the more I see. And counting becomes too much, and I stop and forget about counting all too quickly because I fall into a wonderful awe of these beautiful, shiny, time travelling, tiny, massive balls of gas.
There is all the science behind them, all the facts and figures and information. But they are so much more than that, they give me a picture of the size of God's love.
God is love. And He more-than-generously pours out His love on us, on me. And those stars, they are so, so far away. Further away than I can quite imagine, they are so, so beautiful, and what stuns me every time is that God's love stretches further than the stars. In fact its so big that the stars would look insignificant, they would be un-see-able in comparison. Yet a comparison would be impossible too, because God's love has no limits. It can't be confined into a certain size or shape, it's uncontainable.
This love. This indescribable love is what God gives us, He pours it out on us, He pours it out onto me, and He pours it out onto that little girl.
So when I felt like all there was left was brokenness, pain, hurt and despair. I looked up. I saw His face, and I blessed her.
I said, "May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you His peace." (Numbers 6:24-16).
I realised that God promises this child of His too, just like He promises me, that His plans for her future are filled with hope, that He loves her, and knows her, and cherishes her and wants her.
One day He will wipe every tear from every eye. Pain will be brought to an end, it will be totally conquered.
There is every hope in that.
For now we need to keep looking to the stars, and keep realising that God made each of these beautiful, beautiful, sparkly things, He knows them all, and He loves us.
Even when there is so many things that I think are so much more beautiful and so much more worthy than me, He still finds little old me and says, 'I love you.'
Even when I make judgements of His children, of my sisters, of my brothers, He still loves me.
I'm sorry for judging your beautiful, beautiful child, God. Help me to stop judging please. Help me to be your hands and feet in this world, help me to show your love. Help me to show your love that stretches further than the un-see-able stars.
All is grace. Yes, absolutely all.