I could not understand why people would willingly leave home to work overseas, it all seemed very scary, and I thought that I would never want to do something like that.
I knew some overseas missionaries, they were family friends and we met up with them when they returned to England, and I understood what they were doing, and why they were doing it, but I just thought the idea of myself doing it was ridiculous.
This was when I was very small, as I grew older the idea began to appeal to me a bit more, but I always dismissed it thinking that there was no way I would ever get the opportunity.
Now I have spent two weeks in the Dominican Republic on a short mission, and seriously, I just want to go back.
There is nothing I want more than to move out there.
I sing it, 'Lord, you are my one desire' but as I sing, it just hurts and hurts, because though I know that God should be my one desire, I just have this HUGE desire to be in the Dominican Republic, so though I spit out the words, I find it hard to find the strength to really mean them.
So I fall to my knees before Him once again, and I whisper, and I scream, and I cry out, and I shout.
I tell Him, I scream it at Him, 'God, I just want to be in the Dominican Republic.'
His voice of calmness, His voice of love, His voice of truth, His voice of hope speaks and breathes back into me, He says, 'Wait.' 'I love you.' 'Wait.'
Always the hope, it keeps returning.
There is hope.
It is over-spilling, and flowing, and swirling, and sweeping me off my feet, for it is everywhere.
There is hope in the rising and in the setting of the sun, there is hope in the love, there is hope in the longing, there is hope in it all.
My friend whispered the greatest hope to me, she said, "Sometimes that wonderful place seems so far away. But then you think about the humongous distances to the stars and you think it's not so far."
She's right you know, and then it seems like maybe it is closer than I think, and that maybe, just maybe, the place I left my heart is not so unreachable as I thought.
That is the hope I am holding on to, and I am holding onto the forever-hope that God gives me, and He blesses me with daily.
Hope...I think I want to be a hope-finder.
I want to seek out the hope, until the day that I no longer have to seek because I have hope-eyes and i can just see what was always in front of me.
I want to find hope even in all this hard.
Maybe one day I will be an overseas missionary, or maybe I'll just be me, in another country doing what God calls me to there, or maybe He'll call me to here, but I want to do what He is calling.
I do want to do that, I do: ultimately that is where the greatest hope is, in Him.
I am listening for His whisper, and looking for His light at my feet.
For now that calling is here, here in the waiting. But learning to live in the waiting too. Live and hope.