Monday, 30 July 2012

I am so impatient, easily-angered, full of jealousy, annoying, and I complain way too much...but I'm learning.

I think it needs to be said. I do not want to give the impression that I'm an amazing, almost-perfect person.

Sometimes I re-read my own blogposts, and I astound myself with the words I have said. The thing is, I know I have been blessed with knowledge and understanding, and as I write it helps to clear my head, and God uses my writing to help me see things that otherwise would remain lost. As I write the mess in my head starts to become untangled.

The truth is, I am awful. Everyday I muck up, I am always getting angry, I'm impatient, I can be jealous, and it is often that I wind people up to the point they just don't want to talk to me. And I struggle with this, here I am writing all these things, sharing all the blessings I am given, writing of the amazing things going on in my life, but more often than not when I am writing I am in the middle of an argument, or I've just screamed my head off, or I just refused to help.

Its all one big contradiction, and its all very hypocritical, and I struggle with that. But I think what I am learning is that just because I write a blog, and just because God is living in me, I am not suddenly perfect, I don't suddenly stop making mistakes.

I still have to ask for God's forgiveness and I have to be picked up and restored, only to fall again. I do make a ton of mistakes, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I haven't completely changed overnight, but I am slowly changing, I am definitely learning.

I have stopped worrying so much, and I am starting to trust more.

This blog is very much part of this journey I'm on, and I know God is using it to teach me, and to help me understand.


Off to the beach today...feeling astounded by Beauty, He is truly beautiful, He is leaving me speechless.