Monday, 16 July 2012

The day I woke up feeling scared

Today I woke up feeling scared.

Just 25 days until I travel to the other side of the world on a mission trip, and the enormity of what I am about to do finally started to dawn on me properly.

I am truly, truly scared.

I am not quite sure what I am scared of, but I am scared.

I am crying out to God;
"God, it feels like I am surrounded by all these dark clouds.  Everything is coming at me from all directions and I can feel myself collapsing to the ground with the pressure.  Where are you in this? Where is your hand for me to hold? I need you, I really, really need you."

As I cry out, the fear inside of me rises and rises, higher and higher, growing bigger and bigger. But, as it rises greater feelings of excitement, and expectation, and joy reveal themselves beneath.  And I can feel them pushing the fear away.  They are pushing it up and out, forcing it away, they are coming, and beneath them I can feel their foundations of complete and Holy love and peace. Of greater love. Of greater peace.  Of God.  Of Shalom.

Has the fear gone?  No, I am scared and nervous too.  This is a big thing, a big and daunting thing.  But I know I will be alright.  Sometimes I feel alone in this, that is when I feel the most scared, but it is also when I have my eyes closed. God is always reopening them, revealing His love.  Revealing all these people, amazing, incredible people, who are around me.

These people are standing on His strong, strong foundations, reaching out their hands and keeping me standing.  Keeping me firmly on His foundations too, so that I won't fall.  These are the people I wouldn't be without.

THIS is what it is to be loved.  I can feel it.  Well and truly, and it is much, much, much greater than the fear will ever be.

Ultimately, I don't think I'd be able to live, breathe, do each day without God.  My God.  He is indescribably perfect.

So, here it is. An incredible, unbelievable opportunity.  I am seriously scared.  But that fear is nothing compared with His love, and these people's love.  I am going to grab this opportunity with both hands and run with all my might, in the knowledge and with the trust that this is part of God's plan for me.

The morning after the day I wrote the above: Into my emails I received this...I love Brave Girls Club... subscribe to their daily truths for women and girls, they are always beautiful... this one came with the most amazing timing!