Monday, 30 July 2012

11 days and counting...

Just 11 days and a few hours until I am off to the Dominican Republic.  It is getting closer and closer.

I am still scared.  There is no way around it, I am just feeling scared.  I have been trying to think about why.

I find the unknown scary, and there is a lot I don't know.  I have never been so far away, let alone without my family.  I have never built a house before, I've never been to the Caribbean, there is so much about this that is completely new to me.

But I think the thing I am finding the scariest is just how God is going to use this trip for me.  It almost seems a bit ridiculous, but I am expecting that God will use this experience in a huge way for me, but this expectation is making me scared or worried about exactly what is going to happen.  I need to become willing to accept that I may never be the same again, I need to be willing to change, willing to follow Him, in the way He wants to take me.  This is scary.  I have no idea what will happen, however I know that I just need to jump, because His arms of grace will catch me, and they will carry me, and it might be scary, but God is the one who has equipped me, He knows what I am capable of, and He will guide me.

As my friends and family get around me and pray, I know that this is going to be amazing.  11 days, and counting...

After writing the above this morning, I was reading a book, and I think I realised I had made a mistake.  It is right to be expectant of God, I think, but it needs to be careful expectancy.   I think it is where expectancy is used.  Without any expectancy, it is easy to fall into the trap of just living out your life in a 'normal' and 'usual' way, not trying or perhaps even wanting God to fill you and to be there, without the expectancy I think it is easy to miss His presence.  But another problem is limiting God by expectancy, in being expectant, I do not want to limit God to my own thoughts and ideas and dreams, I want to give Him free reign for He is God, and He knows so, so much more than me, He knows exactly what is best for me, and through Him all things are possible.  Through Him I could achieve my dreams, I could accomplish really, really good things for Him, but if I don't limit Him to just my ideas, I could achieve incredible, unimaginable, amazing things, things beyond anything I can think of.

I want to be expectant, I want to keep my eyes, and heart, and head, and everything open to Him, but I want to do this wholly, and completely, I want to be expectant with no limitations.